If Rappers were Professional Athletes

Ever since its inception, rap and sports have gone hand in hand. Songs like “Basketball” by Kurtis Blow and the more recent “Sports” by Lil Dicky have solidified this point even more. This lead to me start thinking – What if rappers were professional athletes? To make me think a little bit more (everybody likes a challenge, right?) I asked my Twitter followers to give me their suggestions for rappers to write about.

Screen Shot 2017-02-22 at 8.29.34 PM.png

First off, DJRyanBeats is a junior in high school and an amateur DJ. I paid him in food to DJ  a party I had over the summer and he honestly did a great job. Even though he just plugged his phone into an aux cord, he did have lasers and shit and everyone was inebriated, so that made up for it. Secondly, I’m not a rapper, I have a mixtape I made with my friends that I keep in my car and I used to rap battle middle schoolers when I was a senior. Pathetic, I know. So anyways, the tweet says I’ll write about four rappers, and the results could have been a little better, but you play the hand you’re dealt, right? 

Lil Dicky: Professional GolferScreen Shot 2017-02-22 at 8.40.13 PM.png

While LD is known for making sports references and rocking jerseys in his music videos, I’m going to go out on a limb here and saying he’s pretty unathletic. Lil Dicky isn’t the dude running perfect pass routes or breaking ankles on the basketball court, in fact, I could almost guarantee you he shoots from the hip. He’s definitely the dude who has all the latest gear and wears two shooting sleeves and a sweatband, but he just airballs every 3 attempt. That’s why Lil Dicky would definitely be a pro golfer. I can just imagine this nerd in knickers and one of those cool hats with the pompom on it. Golf isn’t physically demanding (Look at John Daly) so a scrawny dude like Dicky would fair well out on the links. Actually, I take that back, I feel like he’d suck at golf. Just looking at him makes me think he lacks motor skills and couldn’t tie his shoes until fifth grade. His witty rhymes and the fact that he left a job where he was making six figures before he decided to pursue rap lead me to believe he’s a pretty smart guy though. With that being said, he’d definitely have a decent knowledge of the game, but he’d be the guy on the tour who barely makes the cut every time. Oh, and “Mr. Leftward Sloping Penis” would definitely have a leftward sloping drive.

Stitches: Professional WrestlerScreen Shot 2017-02-22 at 9.00.08 PM.png

Ok, who the fuck is Stitches? I’m not sure if he’s a rapper or just a crack addict with super shitty tattoos.  I had to look him up and listen to a few of his songs to even get an idea of who this dude was. His music can be summed up by a wannabe member of Slipknot that tried out for the band and got denied so he decided to pursue rap instead. During my research I found out he’s got some beef with The Game. Let’s be real, this beef is probably the only reason Stitches is even slightly known. Apparently The Game has agreed to fight Stitches, so what better sport for him to participate in at the professional level than wrestling? I’m not talking like olympic, legitimate wrestling, because there’s no way they’d let him get on the mat since he’d more than likely have a syringe on him and leave behind some sort of contractible disease, so Stitches will have to settle for WWE. He doesn’t even need a costume or makeup since he’s already permanently fucked his life up with his namesake across his mouth, and he could even walk out to his own music.

The Notorious B.I.G: Professional BobsledderScreen Shot 2017-02-22 at 9.18.03 PM.png

This was a hard one, while Biggie was arguably the greatest rapper of all time, he definitely didn’t come off as a great athlete, let alone someone who even moved much. With that, Biggie would excel in a sport where he himself barely had to move. Born to two Jamaican immigrants, I’m gonna go with a Cool Runnings theme and place Biggie on a two-man bobsled team. He’s definitely the guy who starts on the outside and pushes the sled to get it going. Weighing 380 pounds at his most, you could only imagine the inertia behind that dude and the sled. That thing would be absolutely flying down the track. Sure he’s a big guy, so the back of the sled would probably be dragging, but he’s also dead. I’m no mortician, but I’m guessing he weighs a lot less now.

-Christian Gravius



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